I have been toying with the idea of getting a vajazzle for several years now. A rhinestone glued on design to your waxed vagina. After doing some googling I decided to go to: The Green Spa & Wellness Center
718 921 6100
8804 3rd Avenue Brooklyn NY
This is a call ahead, make an appointment place. Upon walking into the space with tranquil music playing (which is playing throughout the entire facility) I told the woman at the counter my name and was asked to fill out a form-contact information, allergies, medication, that sort of thing. The seating area is in a little room to your right. I did so and after returning the form I just stood in the main area with the products. It felt claustrophobic and off putting to be cornered in this little area.
I was starting to feel anxious, aggravated, tense, at this moment. I can be a very moody person. But I think it was a few things. The little room, yes, bad placement, feeling forced to stand. The woman talking away with one of the estheticians nearby, her baby in hand. I have very little tolerance for babies. That’s fine you can dislike me on that, take a number. The people around me with the bad tattoos. I have a love/hate relationship with old school Brooklyn. Little things started to make me irritable. Such as no one pointed out to me where the tea and water is. And my fault, my ass was totally on fire. Yes that’s right, my ass was burning. The spray I’ve used many times before to numb up, it may be time to retire it.
I decided not to waste time just standing there & see what could I do about my burning ass. I asked where the ladies room was. I used soap and water, wiping myself with toilet paper to attempt to try and wash off the product. Will she notice redness? Will hurt more? We’ll see. The toilet already had toilet paper in it. At the end I saw the flush handle was a pull up handle in the middle of the tank so I could see how someone got confused.
I walked back into the main room. Wait wait wait. Annoyed annoyed annoyed. Then a lovely Latina woman came out, apologizing for the wait. She had more than one job before blah blah. Anyway, I just loved her so much I sat my burning ass down on a chair in the little room & told her to take her time.
When she came back for me we went upstairs. This building is a 3 floor walk up. Small talk commenced. Starting with exercise, her working there 3 years, running up and down those stairs. Finding different exercise because the body gets tolerant. All of that.
We were standing there in the waxing room talking about that. Then she left the room for a moment for me to de-pants and the equivalent of a flat bed sheet was left to cover myself.
When she returned to the room she told me the salon booked me for the vajazzle-she used the word tattoo, but she doesn’t do that. Another annoyance. Why am I laying on the table, pantless, being informed of this now? I said if that wasn’t possible I didn’t want anything. That was the whole point of this visit. She-Tanya, then went down to confer with the other estheticians. When she came up she said after the wax another esthetician would come to do the tattoo. Ok. Now I have to tip 2 people.
I’m laying there, she separates my legs and puts my left leg on a pillow & there was a bright light. She presented me with a book of designs to choose from. Aye yi yi. It was the kind of photo album a teenage girl would buy at the drugstore to put 4×6″ photos in of her friends. Or at least a teenage girl of yesteryear. Instead it had very, very, poor choices of press on rhinestone tattoos. Choices like USA and dollar signs. I felt duped. I felt stuck.
The wax was going on as I thumbed through the book determining my vagina’s fate. Tanya made lots of small talk. She was certainly one of the chattier waxers I’ve had. I really engaged with her. Showed her pics on my cell phone relating to the things we were discussing. And so forth.
We talked about hard wax vs strip and she said she’d use both. I asked her how she got into this. Tanya said she once worked for a very tough boss who still has a salon, she told me the location, that he had her wax someone though she had no training, had never done it before. Which sounds terrifying for both parties. It was that or be fired. She later went to school for proper training.
Tanya was certainly one of the faster waxers I’ve had. A little plucking. She told me multiple times she was going to take all the little hairs off. That she very thorough, particular about herself as well so she understands. That it would all be even for when I’d come back in 2 weeks to a month for another wax. Well I hate to say this because I like Tanya so much, but no, all the little hairs are not gone. Most yes. She was faster than most, no redness, I never held once, she wore gloves, but there was an, albeit a small amount, of hair left. A reminder of what I once was.
She could see I hurt a few times. But I told her it’s ok, I’m tough. She said that’s a good attitude. We’ve all been through worse. Immediately I thought of Trump. Trump is not something you want coming to mind during a Brazilian wax. Tanya thanked me for my patience with her. And it went. Wax wax wax. A little powder. Wax wax wax. A little powder. When Tanya finished she said she wouldn’t put any lotion or anything because the vajazzle was next. When all would be done she’d put a little something. She gave me a gauze panty to put on. And wait.
Then she arrived with another woman. I want to say her name was Mayssa. More chit chat. And Tanya would watch. Let your vagina be an educator. So I picked out out the least innocuous designs I could come up with. One was like a horizontal diamond pattern with a butterfly above it. A butterfly on my vagina. What had my life come too?
Mayssa was having a difficult time getting the diamond pattern to work so she went with another design. Imagine the top of a fountain shooting water. And the butterfly above that. The most poignant “stream” was right below the middle of the butterfly. Which made it look like the butterfly was peeing. And the butterfly was blue. And the water fountain pattern pink. In my mind I just wanted a diamond color, so no color, pattern, no distinctive shape. But now I have a colorful peeing butterfly on my vagina. I hope that’s not an advertisement for water sports.
To stay in form too Mayssa was very nice. A lot of talk-the both of them on how beautiful this is & we do these things for ourselves & compliments on my tattoos. It goes on. They offered to take a picture with my cell phone so I could see it. When Mayssa was doing that I could see she was holding my phone at an angle.
After Tanya put some tea tree oil on me and that was it. Time to get dressed. I was told the vajazzle would be fine in the shower but don’t rub. It would last about a week.
When they left the room for me to dress I wondered if Mayssa held the camera at an angle was because when looking at myself in the mirror I could see it was off center and crooked. Maybe she really couldn’t tell that would happen as she was applying it. Maybe standing is the way to go for applying a vajazzle. So there I was with an off center crooked colorful peeing butterfly on my vagina. I was having a Samantha Jones Bozo the bush moment https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=REz_kNDTxIM
When I left the room Tanya was right there. I said I had to tip her on the card because I had no cash on me. She smiled & said ok and talked to me about future visits, trying to put my name in a raffle for a free visit….. I listened and nodded knowing I never go to the same place 2x.
When I went downstairs to pay I was told they don’t do tips on the card (Tanya didn’t correct me upstairs) and the ATM in the spa was broken so I would have to go to the deli next door. Great. Now I get to pay an ATM fee. & the receptionist was about to charge me for an eyebrow job (I thought about getting my eyebrows done but then changed my mind) and they were charging me 2 vajazzles. After talking that down (where is the communication in this place?) it was before tip $97.18. I took 2 $20’s out of the ATM. I had $4 in my wallet. I wish it were $5 but what can you do. I purchased a cookie earlier. I gave $24 to Tanya & $20 to Mayssa. And I signed the credit card receipt with my own pen because the receptionist couldn’t find one.
Walking out I felt my Brooklyn roots coming through me with that off center crooked colorful peeing butterfly. I felt like I should start saying things such as, “Did you go with him or did you go with him?”
By the time that evening rolled around 8 of the rhinestones had already fallen off. & I scratched off the rest in the middle of the night. Rhinestones stuck all over my sheets.
In my vajazzling research I’ve looked up a salon that also does men-pejazzling. I’m curious to see if this will be higher end, custom design. Worth resisting scratching off. Are all ‘jazzles cut from the same bad photo album? We’ll have to see in a future Touch My Girl.
Update: 1) 2 and 3 days post wax I was very dry and flaky, akin to peeling sunburn skin
2) Filling out that form has now put me on an e-mail list of theirs, similar to what happened with Haven Spa. More e-mail I will not open. What everyone wants.